One of the most challenging things to learn and teach is what to do when you walk with people in pain.  Some people are amazing in a crisis, but it’s the long-term rehab that can become difficult.

 

Fifteen years ago, my husband Ryan and I moved our little family from our rural Ontario home to a townhouse rental in south central Pennsylvania.  We came down at the invitation of a Bishop and Church Leadership team, to lead a small church plant already struggling in decline.

 

When we arrived we worked to understand the dynamic and emotional culture of the church.  We learned really quickly that New Life Community was a haven for the broken.  So as a leadership team we wrestled with this question of what to do when you walk with people in pain.

 

The ultimate goal is healing.  That’s where we landed.  God’s desire is healing and he promises it.  Okay, so before there is any confusion, I want to clarify what I mean when I say that.

 

This is a broken world, with a lot of broken pieces, but God has not abandoned it, because he is the author and creator.  He is all about restoring it and everything else including you and me.

 

Salvation is the ultimate healing and it activates the rebuilding process—which will take the rest of your natural life to complete. When I talk about healing, I’m talking about wholeness and rightness, not just wellness.

 

Every single one of us walks a little broken and when broken bumps up against broken there’s bound to be a mess.  So here are some thoughts on what to do when you walk with people in pain.

 

 

The Problem with Pain

 

The problem with pain is that it hurts.  No one likes it and no one really wants to watch another person suffer.  The knee-gut reaction is always going to be: eliminate the pain and do it fast! Unfortunately, pain isn’t always easily diminished; sometimes it takes a long time.

 

When you walk with people in pain, you have to be careful.  Yes, there is absolutely a time and need for decisive action, but you have to remember to walk with sensitivity.  Do you get what I’m saying?  Sometimes it doesn’t matter what you do, but it does matter how you do it.

 

When you try to push a solution on a person in pain, you typically just create more.  God waits for us to surrender and he is the best example.

 

God is present and never abandons his kids, but he never forces his way in. He honors your right to choose, even when he knows it’s not going to end well. He remains faithful and is quick to rescue when you call on his name.  He knows exactly how to turn it around and redeem it.

 

 

 

 

Learning the ways of Mercy and Compassion

 

Pain is the ultimate equalizer because no one gets free pass.  We live in a fallen world, so we all experience suffering. It is important to remember this when you walk with people who are in pain because that reference is the well from which you draw your sympathy.

 

I am thankful that we don’t have do this in our strength.  The LORD has given us his written word with infinite instruction on how to love. He gave us Jesus, who is the ultimate demonstration of what mercy and compassion look like when fueled by love.

 

“Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tender-hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.  Remember, the LORD forgave you, so you must forgive others.  Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony.”  Colossians 3:12-14

 

Do you see how loaded that verse is?  When I read it in context of the subject at hand—walking with people in pain—I feel really convicted.  Our goal is to alleviate pain, not create more.

 

Learning the ways of mercy and compassion is something God instructs all of his children to do whether it’s your gift of not.

 

 

 

 

Tip #1: Remind yourself it’s not about you!

 

Remember how I said when broken bumps up against broken there’s bound to be a mess?  Before you enter into someone’s pain, know your limitations and understand the context.

 

But wait, aren’t we supposed to love and help people? 

 

Yes, absolutely, but with humility.  You need to follow the lead of the Holy Spirit.

 

Sometimes your brokenness isn’t going to be helpful.  You may have compassion and mercy but, if you can’t keep it from becoming about you, it’s not helpful.

 

Let’s be honest, walking with people in pain can feel overwhelming. You need to remember that their pain is not your responsibility.  In fact, be very careful when you enter in, because the temptation to try to take it for them will be great.

 

No matter how hard you to try to bear the weight for a friend who is suffering, you need to know it will be an epic fail.  Perhaps not at first, but it will fall apart and the residual pain will only create more issues.

 

Oh and another thing, being supportive doesn’t mean you are entitled to all the details.  People in pain don’t always make sense and sometimes they communicate with partial details.  There is a reason for that—they aren’t ready for the full information to be out there for everyone to know.  Don’t be offended when you don’t have all the details, because you don’t really need them to give grace.

 

 

 

 

Tip #2: Stop Qualifying the Pain

 

When you walk with people in pain just acknowledge that it sucks and be sorry!  Pain is relative; the issues which cause the pain are not, but pain is pain and we all know what that feels like.

 

I remember when my Dad died.  It was sudden and fast.  People said some weird things in their attempts to show sympathy.

 

It wasn’t helpful to me when people qualified my pain because Dad died suddenly—like the unexpected factor somehow justified everything.  I didn’t find it helpful when people tried to comfort me by saying, “At least you got to spend time with him during his last week of life.”

 

Really?  When you are in pain, grieving because you’ve lost someone, there is no bright side.  It sucks. It doesn’t matter who you lost, it just sucks.  And I need to add this: it will always suck.  You don’t get over loss—ever.  Some things get easier, but there will always be a sense a sadness surrounding the loss and you need to respect that.

 

When you enter into the hard spaces of pain, just train yourself to listen and hear the heart.  You cannot fill the whole created by loss, so don’t try.  Let your words be few and speak to what you understand—pain hurts.

 

“I’m sorry. This is hard and I wish it wasn’t so.” 

 

This is pure sympathy.  Sympathy is good.

 

 

 

 

Tip #3: Resist the Urge to fix it

 

When you walk with people in pain, remember you are not the savor—Jesus is. There is absolutely a time and place for triage at the time of trauma, but there is a long-term pain that rises up and there is no fixing that.

 

Pain is an indicator that something is not right and it is human nature to want to go after it.

 

This is where it gets really hard, because you may see the way out of it all, but it may not be time yet.  I know that sounds a little ridiculous, but it’s true.

 

There are times, when doctors medically induce a coma, so a patient can get strong enough to endure the necessary treatment for the offending condition. I feel like this serves as a helpful illustration.

 

Sometimes people in pain just need the space to adjust and time to get strong enough to fight for them self. As much as you want to, there are some things you can never do for another person. You cannot rush it and you cannot force it.

 

You cannot undo the harm of broken relationships, abandonment, or loss of any kind with impatience.  Tender hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience…

 

Quit fixating on the problems and be a conduit of love and grace.  If you really want to fix the problem, that’s how you do it.  Put on love and let God be God.  You can be hands and feet, but let everything you do point back to the LORD.

 

But the LORD has given me the ability to solve problems!

 

Maybe so, but he has also given you the gift of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and directs you.  You may have a solution, but timing is everything.  Trust the Lord the lead.

 

 

 

 

Tip #4: Be present

 

Just be present.  Okay, you may need to practice this, but it is so worth it because it is the most valuable gift you can give another person—period.  When you walk with people in pain, what they really need is for you to just be there.

 

Being present emotionally, mentally, and physically is not easy.  In order to do this well, you have to be practiced in your own personal self-care.  Make sure you are rested and that you are healthy—physically and emotionally.  Enter in with the LORD and let him lead.

 

Be attentive and listen to the unspoken.  Let yourself feel, even if it hurts, but careful not to make that a burden for the one you are there to comfort. Be moved but don’t become undone until you can be alone with the LORD and let him strengthen your soul.

 

When my husband was diagnosed with cancer we were numb and shocked.  We have great friends who were able to enter in and just be present.  It was helpful to be with people who were able to just be friends and engage without pity.

 

Being present stays in the moment and doesn’t participate with fear.  Yeah, in case you didn’t know, fear is not a helpful companion, ever, but especially when you walk with people in pain. When a person is in shock from whatever trauma, fear is the first thing that comes knocking at the door.  Don’t be the one to bring it in.

 

Be brave and be present in the hard places.  I continually remind myself when it feels unbearable that my friend who is suffering doesn’t get the option to opt out.  Forbearance—patient endurance—takes practice, but it’s worth cultivating because it’s a gift.

 

 

 

 

Tip #5: Practice Ceaseless Praying

 

Prayer is the most powerful tool in your box!  Don’t believe the lie that tells you that prayer is a last-ditch effort, because it’s not. I’ve come to hate the phrase, “All we can do now is just pray.”

 

Come on, really?

 

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you.”  Isaiah 43:2

 

This is a powerful promise from the LORD.  Do you believe him?  Because what you believe about the LORD and what he says he will do affects how you view prayer.

 

When you walk with people in pain, they need you to pray.  Understand that trauma shakes a person to the core and the road back into wholeness will require re-establishing a foundation of faith.

 

Okay, let’s be clear, I’m not suggesting in any way, shape, or form, that people in pain don’t have faith.  What I am saying is that the trauma of the circumstances will rise up to contradict their faith and, in that moment, they need you to stand in the gap and interceded like you’ve never done before.

 

So here’s the thing, when you practice being present, you will find a deeper level of understanding that comes from the inside out.  The Holy Spirit will speak to your heart with deeper insight, which helps you to know how to pray.  Trust him in it, because he does know all the details. Let the Spirit lead you in this place of intimacy with the Father.

 

God’s the one doing the work, but you get to participate as you enter in using the powerful weapon of intercession.  When God’s people pray…WOW!

 

 

 

 

When you walk with people in pain

 

Don’t be afraid to step into the hard places with love.  I should probably warn you that there is no way to avoid direct hits, because, well you know, when broken bumps into broken…messes all over the place.  Shake it off, friend, because you aren’t walking that road alone.  The LORD is with you and he has a good plan.

 

Hurting people spill their hurt, because the pain is unbearable.  We have a dog with a bum leg.  When she is in pain, she’s mean.  People in pain are no different.  Enter in with tender-hearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.

 

Humility and gentleness leans in with quiet patience and respect.  And even then, sometimes you sustain a direct hit.  Just breathe.  When you walk with people in pain you need a lot of grace.

 

 

 

 

Put your armor on, because the enemy is not above using your offering of love as a weapon to tear you down.  Cover up with the Word, clothe yourself in love and remember the truth.